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My cancerversary

This week is my cancerversary, a year since my diagnosis. Today is a major milestone specifically: I'm getting my port out, aka "My fucking port." Which unfortunately I don't use to fuck, lol.

My treatment will actually be done November 7, aside from a daily pill I'll take for 5 years. But getting the port out feels like a much bigger celebration than my last infusion because it's so symbolic of moving forward; I tear up crying with relief thinking about it, although right now I'm trying to overcome the fear of the procedure itself.

I appreciate the port's service to me, but it's time to go! I'll be able to do the activities I want again (like swimming) and be more comfortable when using a seatbelt, wearing certain clothes, and lying in certain positions.

I had planned to mark my cancerversay with the same 50-mile bike ride I did a year ago right before my diagnosis. As luck would have it, I re-injured my knee the week before. My last training ride was at 42 miles, and I felt great--I know I could have finished the ride. I just had to let it go that it's not important that I didn't actually do the ride.

Leading up to my cancerversary, this past month, I had a scare: I found another lump, in the other boob. Yes, after all this. My doctor felt it too and sent me for more tests. Good news: It was either a cyst that burst or divine intervention, as we couldn't find it (or feel it) the day of the tests. (For real!) The best outcome I could have imagined.

But, I really did have a terrible, horrible, reality check of what life will be like: occasional scares. Overcoming the PTSD from going for tests and getting the diagnosis. This past month, I considered outcomes--like death--in ways I hadn't before. Shit got real. Fear. Rage. It's good that I went there. It needed to happen.

What a year! I have a long list of positive outcomes that came out of this experience, and I'm a better version of myself. But fucking a. I'm so ready to be done with "this," but that's just it. It's a version of "done." I will never quite be done. I'm accepting of that.

Here's to a wonderful fucking milestone! It's great to be alive!

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