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How I'm feeling: Oh! I get it now. Life is different.

When I've taken time off work in the past and then returned, it only took a matter of days to slip back into my work-life routine and for things to be the same. 

Logically I could have predicted that would not be the case coming back to work post-cancer treatment, but having completed 3 weeks now, I have learned my past work-life routines and how I show up are different. 

I can now attest to the effect incorporating work has on my healing. Heck, I haven't even been full-time yet thanks to the holiday day off and the 2-weeks-at-halftime ramp up policy, and the stress hasn't really been there--things are going great. Alas, my boob is swelling (an edema), and my instinct is to scale back on my social stuff and commitments to preserve energy for exercise and work, simply because I feel I need rest. 

I haven't gone as hard in my workouts but have continued to exercise, and even at that slightly-scaled back amount, I can tell I still need to make adjustments. 

Isn't that amazing? Having my body be a physical experiment is fascinating to me! 

So there's the physical routine and physical energy I'm figuring out. How I show up feels different too, although I haven't asked my coworkers if they've noticed changes. 

The best way I can summarize it is an overarching attitude of: I am here. And: Let's make time valuable. 

I'm more decisive. 

I speak my mind more. 

I ask questions differently. 

I have an over-arching sense of control (even in the weirdness).

I pick and choose where I put my energy ruthlessly.

I relish in connective conversations even more. 

What I work through is when my mind expects to feel a certain way and it doesn't, because, I'm different now. That was life before cancer. This is life after cancer. 

To be continued. 




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