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How I'm doing: Processing my chemo experience, and anticipating what comes next

To everyone who rang a bell for me, danced, or supported me in the many ways you have, thank you for being with me! I am filled with tears of gratitude.    

I'm on the other side of chemotherapy, albeit still managing side effects, and it's coinciding with a realization that I have a lot to process about my new life. I have a new body, and I didn't want to give up the other one. I have new responsibilities, which won't end with treatment but will continue the rest of my life. I grieve while being feeling amazed and empowered, and filled with gratitude. 

I've been going, going, going, completing each step of this journey, while also creating a physical and mental routine of healthy practices to support me. 

Chemo ended, and I just heaved a sigh of relief and literally caved in to the weight of the fatigue. 

What this looked like this past week: Going for a walk, then coming home to rest in bed for a couple hours. Letting my friend Nikki cook me dinner (and clean up too). Having extra wine during a low-key dinner with friends, more as an homage to my old life and how much I enjoyed sitting around with a group of friends and truly enjoying wine. Choosing as many Walking Distance things, to keep life simple: fewer choices, no traffic to navigate. Pausing dating.

I'm at the point where I don't have a lick of extra energy. And I'm about to prepare for more change, because each stage of treatment calls for a new routine, a new round of coaching yourself. 

I'm in between stages of grief.

That said, above all, I still feel and believe that I've got this, 100%!

How the treatment literally went: The nurses are so friggin' thorough. Thanks to their questions about my side effects, which had amped up even moreso after infusion #11, my oncologist cut the amount of chemo I got in half, to try to prevent sending me into a miserable place.

When I heard that news, I was afraid it meant pushing out the last treatment another week, at which point I volunteered to suffer any side effects, so long as I can still keep it as the final treatment. Nikki said she could tell without my saying that I couldn't mentally prepare again for a last-treatment. Which was true. Thankfully, cutting it in half wouldn't affect its effectiveness—there's apparently enough buffer. Phew.

How I'm feeling: Exhausted, if I'm honest! I still exercise every day, but then I really need to rest. I've lost dexterity—my fingers and toes are sore-to-the-touch, so I've put away embarrassment and ask for help getting a card out of my wallet, or putting a garbage bag in the can. My legs are heavy. I move slower. My skin is enflamed. I can't taste most things. But! As far as I'm concerned, I'm doing great: it took this long to get more severe complications. Our bodies are amazing!

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